has The Kong turned me into a lactard?!

WARNING: in this post, I talk about poo. Specifically, my own.

So, as of a week ago Tuesday, I'm off dairy. Well, really, as of Monday I'm off dairy because my first attempt failed miserably. Here's how it all started...



...with persistent runs, not unlike my experience in Bali (if you remember). Annoying, but not debilitating and - thankfully - not uncontrollable. gew. Anyway, I thought it was dietary. For the past year, I had the luxury of endless supplies of expensive whole grains, thanks to the parents. Now my body is getting used to a somewhat less wholesome diet, and I thought the hershey squirts (that's for Bern) were my body's way of bitching about it. Well, fast forward about 4 weeks or so and it can't be the general diet change. So, I went to see a doctor about it. I told my Mom first because, as a nurse, I figure she knows everything about everything. She confirmed that I should see a doctor, and then says "You know they're going to ask you for a sample, right?" gurh? a sample?

This begs the life-changing question: Would you rather have to man-handle your own feces, or have mild diarrhea forever? I’m not gonna lie, I had to think about this one for a while. I’ve done some gross things, or, at least, things that are considered gross by others (eg. DIVA cup), but poo? Come on!

Anyway, I sucked it up and did the deed last Friday morning. I went in there, a very brave battle tune going through my head (I dunno, maybe “Mars” by Holst?). Had a bit of performance anxiety, but in the end, I showed my colon who was boss and proudly walked out with a little poo-bit in a plastic container.

Along with a sample of my best work, the doctor also suggest I go off dairy until the results are in. Yeah, right. There’s a lot of dairy in my life. Daily, I eat milk with my cereal and one yoghurt as a snack. Add to that to possible butter, and cheese that may find it’s way into my food and DANG! That’s a lot I have to cut out. Now I have an inkling of what my sister had to put up with. Anyway, as I said, the first 5 days of my dairy restriction were a bust. I realized, on Sunday night, that I really had to start trying harder because I had just ordered a delicious scoop of ice cream to share with Alicia. As the lady is scooping for us, I turn to Alicia and say “Oh shit. I’m not supposed to eat this.” I did anyway and vowed that after that I would be much more conscientious. Three days down and so far so good. I got myself some soymilk so I can eat cereal again (not such a fan of toast). Unfortunately, once you go off dairy for a period of time, your body stops producing the necessary enzyme and I’ll be lactarded for the rest of my life. Apparently, this has happened to a few people since coming to the Kong. I guess the cows are a bit different over here.

I was really hoping that I had bacteria or a parasite so that I could take a pill and be rid of it and stuff my face full of a bowl of milk and cheese topped with whipped cream. HOWEVER, I called the doctor today and my poop was normal. Bummer. I’m still not right yet, so we’ll see what a week of no dairy does. If “things” don’t “solidify” by next week, it’s back to the doc I go. Who knows what kind of sample she’ll need this time?